I love you... I love you not

Iss. 1 Vol. 5

FW**C NEWS

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Teacher in the News

James E... ***********************************************************

Investigation continues

The mugger on Richland strikes again!

An unknown individual has opened a very important can of worms for the gist. This is our first time diving into the world of investigative reporting. While I will make every effort to check our facts, again, and again, I cannot check them all. This is what we have so far:

1 am - David J. tries to sleep, is unsuccessful.

2 am- David J. leaves room 1-- (confidential) to use the restroom (investigation cannot say if person used stall or shower, still looking into it)

3 am- David J. sleeps.

7 am- I, personally, with no help from anyone interview an Hispanic housekeeper from 1203 Richland Ave. [where the purse snatcher struck secondly]. She said, and I quote, "This is awful. This is worse than the old lady I work for playing Guns and Roses music while I am cleaning the bathroom. I am so scared of where this is going." WOW! I am so proud that I was the first to bring you this information. Metro City cops have decided not to take this into evidence, but Richland Ave, please feel secure, I am on your side!

8 am- I take a break.

--END OF TRANSCRIPT--

Underground sources have made it very clear that Ben Wheeler is going to fake another seizure. Sources say, "There is no doubt in my mind..." and "I wouldn't doubt it" [please note that these comments were not made as a result of this story, but in a completely unrelated event]. As to the girl, the event, and the time, more is to come.

Almost newsworthy item of the day!

Amos and Andy Riley

We've successfully determined that Amon Riley is indeed Lance W. His brother Lyle W. will be refered to as Andy Riley and sister Laura will be called Aunt Jemima.

David and Hannah

David J. and Hannah P. were all set to go on the date Saturday night. There was an error in the story though, David did not ask Hannah on the date, rather it was the other way around. Hannah is rumored to have said, "Do you wanna go somewhere?" to which David replied, "yes". I am sorry for this error, but it does not take away from the overall buzz of the story. As more information comes in, a detailed; what happened, where did they go, when did they kiss... outline will be provided. [NOTE: some of those categories will not be included such as, what happened, where they went, and when did they kiss]

Admissions, Retractions and Exasperations

Issue 1 Vol. 5

Fw**c News

*Post edited for content and offensive nature

People In the News

Firstly, I would like to retract a former comment. Being related to AJ W. and Kelly S. won't be so bad. I mean think about it... No, just kidding. I don't want to get into anymore trouble. So, I will leave it with "I love AJ and he is the great and wonderful master of FWBBC and he is my uncle." [Entire statement made under distress!]

David J... I would like to announce to the entire world the wonderful news! I know David told me not to, but I just have to! Firstly, I'd have to say, I hate to say I told you so-- but ... I have been teasing David about liking Hannah for a very long time. Now, he has decided to do something about it. Hannah and David have a date on Saturday!! YAY! I would like to be considered for best-man since I am the reason you two are getting married [just a matter of time].

This is a question for all of our readers: "If a group of girls [3] drive up beside you and want to talk to you... does it mean they like you?" This is a question by one of our frequent "people in the news." I would like your comments so we might help our way-ward love struck friend. As I promised, no names will be mentioned. Your welcome Jared.

Can we find a speaker who doesn't curse?

Well, the Forlines lectures are over. I have been emotionally drained over the past two days. Ruth, interesting... sure, it is in the Bible. Maybe it is because I have the attention span of a drunk guy on COPS [Bad boys, bad boys..], but I cannot sit for 2 hours! To top it off, I don't really think I should sit and listen to profanity! I'm all for women's right to vote, the emancipation proclamation (even if Jackson says South Carolina will succeed again), but I do not believe in the word **** being said from the pulpit. I will share some of the more interesting things that have happened during church and "slips".

Other Instances of embarrassing moments in churches:

Probable true story [told to me by a friend in High school, I wasn't there, but he swears it really happened.] In Nebo, NC-- a church was in the process of moving. They were meeting in a gutted out double-wide trailer on the side of HWY 70s. The service was beginning and after the prayer the pastor was getting into his sermon. He went to step off the platform when he happened to slip. Not only did he fall on his tush, but the words "God ****" (Same word as the Canadian immigrant, Daniel Bloc said) came out of his mouth. The church gasped and the next Sunday they had a visiting pastor...

Another instance involved a pastor who left his lapel mic on. The story goes that prior to the sermon, the pastor had to use the restroom (Num. 2, for those of you who don't know what that is, he had to pooh). The lapel mic was on. Uh-oh! As the church members were filing in the sanctuary, you know, the place where God meets you and you worship Him? Over the speakers came sounds that only men should hear (in Goen, or elsewhere). Needless to say, an apology came and the pastor was highly embarrassed. Too bad he didn't have hemorrhoids like one frequent reader.

Have something Newsworthy?!?!? Post a comment and we will investigate!

Issue 1 Vol. 4

FW**C NEWS

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WE'RE DOOMED!!!!

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rownta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning; May cause drowsiness.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

People in the news

Ashley G... Congrats! You've made the fwbbc gist. I have never seen a worse display of ping-pong. I thought I would never have to take back the fact that Jared was the WORST player ever, but I am. If Jared is like a crippled man getting back into his wheelchair, then you are like a person who is... dead. I'm sorry to say it, I hope you don't get offended... but its true.

Need proof?

1- Little black things aren't always called "grasshoppers". -- Let me set the stage. Ashley was playing ping-pong with Ryan. She gets the ball and sees a small black object on the floor. She points in its general direction and exclaims, "Is that a grassshooooper?!?" to which Jeremy Cr... says, "Nope. Thats a couch."

2- Those watching saw the fact that she was having difficulty keeping up with the score. 7-3? 4-10? 14-27? -- One person remarked, "Its like a remedial math class."

3- When someone watches a ball bounce twice on their side and then exclaims, "It booouncedd twwwiiiccee on myyhhhh siide." In a very surprised voice... has no business playing ping-pong.

Please remember Alan S. in your spirtiual life groups

Underground sources say his welfare, pregnet girlfriend-husband (the prisoner remember?) may be getting out. Sources say he may be entering the witness protection program soon.

Warning: To reduce risk of serious injury to hands, wrists...

*Extra* *Extra* Vol. 1 Post 3

FW**C News

People In the News
[With the help of underground sources]

Ryan A-- Underground sources say, Ryan got a special chance to "Meet the Parents" this weekend. This could be the first in a long line of parental meetings, especially in a few weeks when Ryan asks her to marry him, sources say. Also, Ryan is quoted as saying that he is sold out his following of Kentucky Wildcats to conform to a UNC Tarheel fan... why? All of this, to impress the family.

Jeremy Cr...-- No posting, but sorry you had a really crappy weekend, if you'd like, you can share it with everyone in a comment.

Robbie Smith-- And, Robbie... Here is a little tip, When there are no plates to put your food on in the cafeteria, don't scream at the top of your lungs, "where are the plates?" It makes everyone feel uncomfortable and makes them want to go out and eat, wait... thats the food doing that. Got a new sweater lately?

Little Al-- "Old Flames dim as new ones are sparked"-- That is how I would title this small stint on Alan. Congrats on finding someone who you like... too bad for you- You'll be related to both Kelly S. and AJ W. -- how sad. On the flip side, finding an older, already on her own, working mom of 3 to date is a good thing. Just don't let her former husband in prison find out what your doing with his "Snuggle bunny" while he's away. Axe murderers don't take kindly to former fwbbc baseball "players" turned "playa".

"Duh" of the day

This is the "duh" thing of the day: Written on keyboards: "Warning: To reduce risk of serious injury to hands, wrists, or other joints read saftey and comfort guide."

Simply stupid!

*Extra* *Extra* Vol. 1 Post 2

FW**C News

People in the News

Jeremy Cr… *-Edited for offensive material. No further posts on Jeremy Cr...

Jared- *****************************************************************

Jacob—Hope you get to feeling better…

David—Ha. You are pretty funny you know that? You are probably the only person at this school who is known as “the g*y friend” and you aren’t even gay this semester! I could understand if this were last year and you were gay [during that day or so] again—but not this year. How oddly ironic that girls would find you to be their confidant and friend when you don’t even drive a Dodge Stratus.

Ricky Hogue— *************************

This is a shout out to all of my Christian Education/Youth Ministry ‘friends’. I would just like to say that being at that meeting [for the day of prayer nonetheless] was worse than being at a Cardinals game (in St. Louis) wearing a Cubs shirt. Don’t get me wrong, I thought the actual scripture/prayer was better than last year’s PT meeting—but the first few minutes of anti-Pastoral ministry was enough to turn me off to YMs.

Hannah—David doesn’t drive a Lexus.

New section --

Jared Austin's Datable scale:

As of 1:01 am - 2-16-05

I should probably clarify my position on “Leagues” before I continue. I am a firm supporter in ‘leagues’. It helps people realize where their boundaries are and helps them not to cross over and get embarrassed. Now, I will have to leave room for exceptions. If a girl asks you to “talk”, “play ping-pong”, “go study [really study, not make-out]”, “touch your arm”, “say hello”, or “kick you”, then the girl must want you…badly (isn’t that right Jared?)…

Hannah P.- played ping-pong, touched his shoe, said hello

8 of 10

Christina C.- said hello, played ping-pong, walked in front of him

8.5 of 10

Jill M.- went on date, said hello, said "huh" and "what" more than 20 times

7.35 of 10

Leslie M.- said hello, gave impression that he had a chance, smiles in his direction

8.97 of 10

David J.- talks to him on regular basis, played ping-pong with him, says hello, includes him in various activities

9.315 of 10

Karen B.- totally ignores him, rejected him 100%

9.9 of 10

*Extra* *Extra* First post from FW**C

*Free ------------------------- College News*

News you won't hear anywhere else

(unless you live in G**n Hall)

All things FW**C. That is how I would describe this blog. It will be open, frank (ha, I believe that makes me up by one David), and honest.

People in the News
First of all, Akers, no. no. no. Going on a date with Ashley * Gladson is not the way to rebound your dating career....

David-- I am unable to post what I want to say about you because I want to retain my manhood and not get punched in the ---face---. Therefore, I am clearly going against what I said in the third sentence of the blog... what a way to start it off. I will say *You know what I'm talking about*. Jeremy knows too....

Jeremy-- *-Edited due to ill feelings and hatred towards myself. Its not worth losing a friend over.

Jacob R-- I love you. Who can say anything bad about you?

Jarred-- ha. Don't get me started... (maybe when I have more time)

Hannah-- LOL. ( I can't wait until I can talk about Hannah in-depth)

Current Events

-G**n Hall gets new shower buddy

G**n hall received an unexpected visitor yesterday as news unfolded that someone had used the bathroom, in the bathroom. What is so newsworthy about this everyday occurrence? The fact that instead of walking into the bathroom Stall and doing their business, they decided it would be more convenient to use the shower. However, as news unfolded late last night, revelations that it may in fact be dog pooh surfaced. We are seeking to find the facts in this case and will bring you more as events unravel.
As news currently unfolds, it has been discovered that Ashley G. may have used the restroom in the shower. At least that is what she was saying at lunch. More information to come.

-Mr. Leroy Forlines delivers message

Mr. Forlines spoke to the Pastoral Ministry students this morning. His topic was well chosen. "Why women find it hard to cope with having their innocence taken at an early age." One of the more eventful times in Pastoral Ministry was the reading of Tanya Tuckers, "Whats Your mamma's name, Child". It's good to hear these things, a lot of guys need to hear that they need to remain pure-- especially for their girlfriends sake. The lyrics are as follows:

What's your mama's name, child?

What's your mama's name.

Thirty some odd years ago, a young man came to Memphis.

Asking 'bout a rose that used to blossom in his world.

People never too the time to mind the young man's questions,

Until one day they heard him ask a little green-eyed girl:

What's your mama's name, child?

What's your mama's name?

Does she ever talk about a place called New Orleans.

Has she ever mentioned a man named Buford Wilson?

What's your mama's name, child?

What's your mama's name?

Twenty some off years ago, a drunkard down in Memphis,

Lost a month of life in labour to the county jail.

Just because he asked a little green-eyed girl a question,

And offered her a nickel's worth of candy if she'd tell.

A year and some odd days ago, an old man died in Memphis.

Just another wayward soul, the county'd had to pay.

Inside the old man's ragged coat, they found a faded letter.

It said: "You have a daughter and her eyes are Wilson green.

"What's your mama's name, child?

What's your mama's name?

Does she ever talk about a place called New Orleans.

Has she ever mentioned a man named Buford Wilson?

What's your mama's name, child?

What's your mama's name?

What's your mama's name, child?

What's your mama's name?

And on that note (get it, note.) We will wait until further news comes our way. This is JL saying, goodbye.

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